Category Archives: Emotions

Tips to help your emotional health

Standing for Each Other’s Greatness

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By Emma Michelle

So often we hurt the ones we love the most. He said this, he didn’t say that. She did this, she didn’t do that. One person gets mad, the other closes off. One person is sarcastic, the other is mean. We hurt each other unintentionally, and sometimes – intentionally – because we are hurt.

It is so easy to get caught up in our psychology in our relationships, because the very act of being close and intimate with another person brings up our deepest core issues. So I might be fine and happy and stable in life, but when I get close to someone, my abandonment issues come up and I become temperamental. He cruises through life cool as a cucumber, but when he gets close to me and I say something he doesn’t like, he gets scared and shuts off – setting off my abandonment issues all over again. Its easy to see how this can become a vicious cycle. And how many couples fight and then break up with each other because of the viciousness between them.

What is happening here is merely two people having their young person reaction, thinking they are reacting to each other, but are really reacting to their own inner demons. Its like two radios blaring at each other on loudspeaker. No one is there and yet all this commotion is going on.

We think we don’t belong together because we keep hurting each other, but in reality, it is such a rich opportunity for growth. These issues are coming up not because we don’t belong together, but because we do. If we did not belong together, we would not touch each other inside our core. We would not be gripped by the things we fear most. We hate feeling vulnerable because it brings up our fears, but the nature of true love is feeling vulnerable. We fear the other person because we are scared of our own feelings.

This is an opportunity to rise above our psychology and start living into spirit. This is an opportunity for healing. We can only heal our deepest fears when we are feeling them – so we must THANK the people in our lives for giving us access to our core issues. The one who has hurt us is our catalyst to our greatness.

Moving to a higher level, this is also an opportunity to trust another in ways we lost trust in our caretakers long ago. We can actually reclaim a deep part of ourselves that was lost and reconcile that as a powerful presence in our day to day life. Knowing another human being is there to love us when we are in our most awful space gives us freedom to heal on a very deep level. When we are scared, we only need to look at them to help us. This might take practice, and because of our bad habits, we are sure to fail and hurt each other again. But with hurt, can come healing. With that commitment to resolving those wounds, we can prevail. Having another person there for us – who we trust – helps us to heal that deep place and resolve it so we can get on with our lives.

What would be possible if we didn’t have our core issues stopping us from being all we want to be in life? What if it really wasn’t something he said or she didn’t do, but we could look across the table at the person who is our biggest fan and greatest support? We don’t have to pretend we are enemies, but best friends? What if we could trust that person when we are afraid – could we really get past our emotional limitations? I say we can.

What could we accomplish in life if we did? What greatness of spirit would arise? What love could be spread? What power could be manifested in the world?

I do not think it is enough for one person to be a stand for another. I think both people constantly have to be a stand for each other’s healing. To love each other and correct each other when we are running our smallness and fears all over the other. If we are really great spirits, shouldn’t we act like it and treat each other as who they are. Love them, support them, hold them and kiss them? But be brutally honest and tell them – I love you – stop playing small! Be everything you came to this planet to be!

Here is one of my most favorite quotes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

The Gift of Anger

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In my practice as a counselor, I often talk to people who are angry. I have often felt angry myself, to my own dismay. I have also heard the saying – if you aren’t outraged, you aren’t listening. Outraged, about what? People all over the planet are angry. How do we deal with anger?

Often we look at anger as a destructive emotion – and it well can be. Why would anyone need to register for anger management classes if they didn’t have an issue with destruction – aka: being arrested? Anger has the potential to hurt those around us and make them afraid of us. Anger also releases adrenaline and cortisol which can wreak havoc on our bodies if we let it happen too often. Its the message that anger is trying to give us that we must listen to.

Anger can be a gift to us. Its not anger that is the problem, but the way we express anger. If we can release it constructively, it can enlighten us and give us energy to pursue our goals.

Anger stored dormant inside our bodies is often felt as chronic fatigue and depression. Anger is a higher energy than depression – as well as an expansive emotion.

Anger can be a release of pain from the past. If we allow ourselves to feel anger at an event or person from the past and mentally resolve it (aka: let it go), we will feel lighter and eliminate the stress from our bodies.

Anger can help us identify negative patterns. If we find ourselves getting angry at someone or something over and over again, perhaps it is important to look at the pattern and try to determine why. We can simply be stuck in anger because we are stuck in a job or a negative relationship. It might be time to leave and pursue new possibilities.

Anger can inform us that we are making a mistake in life, that we aren’t supposed to be going down a certain road. Have you ever been angry at something or someone, removed yourself from that situation, and years later find out that they had a drug problem, or were a mean spouse, or basically had low moral conduct in life? Anger might have been telling you that you and the situation weren’t a good match, or that you weren’t being respected.

Anger can help us make positive changes in life. Anger happens when we are sick of something being the same old same old. Anger motivates us.

Just remember – don’t take your anger out on another person or yourself. The next time you are angry – think upon these lines.

  • What is this anger energy trying to tell me?
  • Where in my life am I unsatisfied and wanting change?
  • If I am angry at a person, am I trying to get them to change or do I try to change myself?
  • If I wasn’t angry – what would be absent from my life?
  • If I wasn’t angry anymore because of a resolution – what would be present in my life?

Anger means a situation needs to change. If you can figure out what anger is trying to tell you, you can move in the direction your life wants to go.

Stress Case

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I took a holiday job answering the phones for customers calling about items they recently bought over the internet. So many people are kind and polite, treating me with respect, knowing that you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. I learned years ago to treat these customer service people very kindly because they can make or break your customer experience. They can be ubrupt, terse, and if you aren’t nice, they can put you on hold forever only to push that release button by *accident* after you have been on hold for twenty minutes. But they are soo nice to you if you are simply nice to them. Plus, keep it simple because they are graded by how long their calls are. I love calling the customer service people and being nice to them, because I know their job is not easy.

So, as I have learned from the other side of the phone, some customers just haven’t learned their lesson yet about being nice to the customer service people. These customers are so rude, fast talking, yelling, even profane. I have had difficult people in my life, for sure, but this is different. I am not “attracting” these people into my life. The fact that they get ME on the phone is completely random. I also hear other agents who get difficult people to deal with as well. I have heard the annoyance in their voices when they get a particularly difficult person on the phone. It is a challenge sometimes to answer each call with a friendly and chipper voice. But its really not fair to the next customer that the last one gave you a hard time. So I have to start all over and generate a friendly connection with the next person who comes into my world.

There are many kind people out in the world who have good manners and some are downright funny to talk to. But we as human always seem to remember and need to talk about the worst human being to call in. We intellectually know their upset has nothing to do with us, but we usually need to clear it out of our system by telling another person. There is that little person inside who is just a little freaked out by an angry person in our space. In time, they get easier to deal with. Our little person inside realizes we are talking to another person who has a little person inside, and we get to be the bigger person. Its really a rich experience in being professional and not taking anything personally. Because angry people LOVE to make it personal. Angry people love to get another upset or fluster them, so then they have someone to blame for their anger. If they were one angry person around a lot of happy people, their anger would be apparent. But if they were angry with scared, sad, or other angry people, then they have someone to take it out on.

My initiation into the world of truly not taking someone’s freak out personal happened unexpectedly.

One evening right before Christmas (the 21st) and my second week on the floor, Guido from New Jersey called in wondering where his customized basketball jerseys were. They were supposed to ship out from the warehouse and he was loud and commanding. Mind you, he bought them on the evening of December 14th on the internet. His order needed at least 3-5 business days to be processed before it was going to be shipped out. He called on the 5th business day and was FREAKED OUT that his orders were not shipped out.

Of course it is good business practice to do what you say you are going to do and mail out items when you say they will go out. But apparently, thousands of other basketball fans decided to get basketball jerseys for their kids that year, and Guido’s were pushed back.

Lesson One: Don’t order a customized anything ten days before Christmas and expect it to get to you by Christmas eve.

Lesson Two: Don’t let some jerk from New Jersey tell you that YOU are ruining HIS children’s Christmas. What kind of parent teaches a child that not getting something on December 25th is ruining their day? And what kind of parent teaches a child that its ok to throw a TEMPER TANTRUM to get their way.

Guido was yelling at me and all I could think was, “I can’t fix this. The order isn’t going to get there on time.” I put him on hold to collect my thoughts. I decided to tell him the truth.

“Sir, you are NOT going to get these items by Christmas. You will probably get them two or three days AFTER Christmas. If you decide you don’t want them…”

“WHY WOULD I NOT WANT THEM?” (because it was after Christmas – his entire issue was having them FOR Christmas) Oh geez – I could feel his tension grabbing me by the throat all the way through the head set… I wish I could have told him that if he REALLY cared about his children, he would have thought about their Christmas presents more than ten days before Christmas. But that is not my place. Who am I to understand the pressures of life in New Jersey. Apparently its pretty bad there, because most people who call from New Jersey, as well as New York and Connecticut are pretty stressed out and impatient as well. He ranted a bit more about me ruining his children’s Christmas – even asked me if I had children. Wow – what a stress case. Told me I was not doing a very good job helping him, told me he could tell I was stressed out and flustered because my company is so busy dealing with all the other people they are jacking around (not true – it was mostly call after call of people ordering items over the phone – and it was HIM flustering me) and then very meanly said, “well, you have a veeery Merry Christmas! and hung up on me.

The intensity of his anger really caught me off guard. He was REALLY upset that he wasn’t getting those jerseys in time. He was locked in. Most people simply said, “just give me the ugly truth and I will find another gift for Christmas.” One girl started laughing because her customization was messed up twice and then the item was out of stock. I told her I could tell she had good character because she handled the problem so well. She got an expedited refund and a discount on her next order. Guido got nothing. I don’t even think my supervisors called him. They told me he was a jerk and if anyone ever talks like that to me again, I just don’t take it personal and tell him I am releasing the phone call.

I have had a few irate and angry customers since then. I have since learned to not take their anger personal and some I have even buttered up to chill out about the entire event. I mean, in reality, they are getting all worked up over a piece of material they bought on the internet and it hasn’t shown up on time. After Christmas, a man called because his daughter didn’t get her jersey. It was caught in a snow storm. He kept saying over and over and over that her Christmas and his was ruined.

I have learned something recently. When people are upset, they repeat their upset over and over and over again. I have to literally repeat back to them what they said and tell them I am hearing them and agree with their upset to get them to stop and listen.

The psychologist in me wonders what has some people become SO upset about a piece of material. Perhaps some people are so burdened by stress that they finally burst because of this one order. Perhaps that Guido has been in the dog house with his exwife and kids for months, and him showing up with no presents on Christmas is the last straw. Perhaps these people have been taken advantage of and treated rudely and traumatized by other stressful events in life. They cannot take it out on their misbehaving spouse or abusive boss, but they can take it out on a service person they do not know. Their stress levels can be so high that they finally explode with one small transaction with a company they aren’t sure is going to follow through.

Customer service is a challenging job. Being a customer apparently is challenging as well. I notice so many people buy things without consciously knowing what they are doing, and then call back later to remind themselves what they bought with the customer service rep on the phone.

People can be crazy. Especially when it comes to clothing and their money that bought it. I think people get more crazy about money than anything else on the planet. It literally rules their lives. They are more willing to get a heart attack over a lost $100 item, than they are to listen to someone who says, “we will simply send another one to you”

It all really seems to boil down to traumas and fears. Traumatized by someone who took advantage of them at sometime in the past. And being afraid it is going to happen again.

There are reasons we are required to say, “I am so sorry for your inconvenience, and I am happy to help you correct this right now.” Those words seem to calm the most disturbed beast back into a reasonable human being who feels heard by their mommy.

Isn’t it true that we are all a bunch of 5 year olds scared our toys are going to be taken away from us at the playground?

How To Be HOT at Any Age: Principle 1

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By Emma Michelle, MA, MBA

Laugh at life. Laugh at yourself, laugh at others. Laughing creates endorphins which raise our mood and our vibration. Laughing at life in the face is the key to letting those horrible experiences go without feeling humiliation. When you laugh, you forgive naturally and move forward into a bright new future. Think about a child laughing. Be a child laughing. Lighten up and feel lighter. Silence the inner critic by mocking everything with kindness and fondness.

How can I disappoint you? Let me count the ways.

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By Michelle Pate, MA, MBA

It has been said that when a codependent dies, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes. I think that’s enough to snap anyone out of their self-sacrificing ways. But patterns can run deep and they are almost always invisible to us because we have been doing them for so long.

I started investigating codependent issues in my mid-twenties after someone suggested I read Pia Mellody’s book, Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives.  As I went through the book and workbook, I was completely mortified to recognize myself all over the pages. Since I was still someone who took responsibility for other people’s behavior, I was so embarrassed at the things I was writing about the toxic people in my life. I tore out the pages and threw them away. I didn’t want anyone to think I was a bad person for writing bad things about another (even though it was true!). At that point in life, being a person with good intentions, it was impossible for me to realize so many others did not think the same way. I blamed myself for *making* them treat me that way.

Since the age of 13 years old, I was trained to give up my own identity to take care of others. Unfortunately, those others were ones who could never be made happy. This set me up to be a classic *rescuer* who tried to save all my perceived victims from their perpetrators in life. I was always astounded that the victims would eventually turn on me after I spent months trying to help them. They actually told me I was doing all the same things to them that their perpetrators were doing! WT…??? I also dealt with perpetrators who played victim and cried to a kind, empathetic, caring person who listened to all their troubles. But in the end, they turned on me as well and screamed at me what a horrible, awful, nasty person I was. Yes, after all those hours I wasted spent listening to them. Its enough to make a person want to become a hermit. Oh wait, been there, done that. Several times.

This pattern has haunted me several times in my life, but I have learned to take the lesson as one I am unconsciously recreating in order to resolve my issue. Over time, it does get better if we truly listen to our thoughts and question our habits. One event in my late 20s,  had me lying in bed with the flu, a tweaked back, and a painful period all at the same time. A friend called up and went right into her complaint of the day. I was in no shape to help her and kindly told her so. The diatribe I received from her was painful. She hung up on me and would not speak to me for several weeks. Another friend called me and when I told him what I had just dealt with, he said, “Sounds like you need a new support network.” I realized for the first time that I had no one in my life who would listen to ME.

There are definitely payoffs for living this kind of existence. First, we get to be the best in our group of people. We get to think we are the kindest, most generous and empathetic person around. It is an ego boost to have people come to us because we let them vent when no one else will listen. But usually, when we are sick and hurting, those people will turn their backs on us and refuse to help us. When we question why we would have these kinds of people in our lives, the ugly truth is we feel superior because we are at the top of the pile of needy people. We don’t have to deal with our own unresolved fears of having attention put on us by people who have it more together than us. We don’t ever have to feel inadequate. But we also don’t ever get to grow.

Another part many of us have is the feeling of guilt and anxiety at the thought of letting someone down. At one point in life, just thinking about someone getting angry, hurt or disappointed at me would give me a churning stomach. The anxiety would keep me up at night. I would have practice conversations with these people in my car. All trying to muster up the strength to talk them down from their upset. I never even thought that maybe they were in the wrong for acting this way.

When you deal with your own anxiety, remind yourself that your brain is actually trying to protect you by initiating the fight-or-fight response. In ancient times, when people needed to outrun predators, they experienced fight-or-flight as the way to keep them safe. Our brains are still hardwired this way, causing us to sometimes respond as if we are in the presence of a predator when we are actually not life or death danger at all. We desensitize our own response by reminding ourselves that we are, indeed, safe.

After many years of personal growth and reflection, I finally desensitized my own anxiety to allow another to be angry at me without taking responsibility for their feelings. Its not a one stop decision. We are faced with anger in many different forms with every new person we meet. Many of us who are empathetic feel the other person’s emotions as if they were our own. There is an important reason why we need to know when we are experiencing our own anxiety or another’s. Our reaction can be so automatic we don’t realize that the other is getting away with manipulating us and not taking responsibility for their own feelings. If they know they can get something out of us, they may unconsciously (or even consciously) use anger, disappointment, and hurt as a way of getting what they want. And how are we to know the difference if all we feel is our own anxiety in a situation? When we desensitize our own anxiety, we start seeing the truth in the situation and make better choices to conserve our own energy and time.

If someone is angry, I don’t have to react but hold them with light and love, and they are eventually forced to deal with their own issue. Instead of avoiding their anger or getting defensive, I can listen to them and ask them to keep talking. I can reflect back to them what I hear them saying. When I listen, I am always astounded to realize that they see ME as the perpetrator. And here I am busting my butt to be good to them? After a while, I can matter-of-factly say “oh, so I’M the bad guy here. Interesting.” and I don’t take it on. Soon enough, they calm down and start to see things more rationally. And hopefully, I have helped unravel another bit of the tangled rope for them - and for myself.

If they are truly disappointed, I can always make it up to them at another time. Often they forget about their disappointment and I realize I am still beating myself up. Our children need to taught how to be authentic about their feelings. If they know they can jerk us around with their pouting and whining, we do them a disservice when they become adults and are pulling that same stuff with others. If they are genuinely hurt, I can be gracious and apologize for hurting them, and tell them I still need to take care of me but still want to connect with them at another time we both decide. But ultimately, everyone is responsible for handling their own anger, disappointment, and hurt and we can’t keep ourselves hostage trying to placate their emotions. It keeps them emotionally immature to caretake of them in this way. We are basically rescuing them from learning the natural consequences of behaving this way.

I heard of one coach who recommends trying to make one person angry each day for a month. That would put deep anxiety in a lot of nice people. But think how much strength and wisdom you would have at the end of that month in dealing with other’s emotions. You might actually start to feel amusement at other people’s anger rather than utter dread. They start to resemble 5 year olds having a temper tantrum. That is such a better perspective than dreading the all important scary parent’s wrath. You gain much personal power in growing up your own anxiety about other people’s upsets.

 

I realize so many of us love to be generous - so many of us love to give and are uncomfortable with receiving. Why would I think so little of myself to only give and not receive? Why would I not give myself good things? As a friend of mine said last night, “I think I don’t appreciate myself enough so I need it from other people.” And I think we deny all the ways we anger, disappoint and hurt ourselves in the process. A lot of us do that, but why?

Cheryl Richardson speaks to this in her book The Art of Extreme Self Care

  1. We don’t want to disappoint others because we know how bad it feels.
  2. We don’t have language to let someone down with grace and love.
  3. Our fear of conflict and desire to keep the peace keeps us from telling the truth.
  4. We want people to like us and we feel uncomfortable when they don’t.

To break out of self-sacrifice and deprivation and start to appropriately take care of ourselves, we must learn how to manage the anxiety that comes when others are disappointed, angry and hurt by us. This poses a tough challenge for a sensitive, caring person. You are changing the rules of the game, and others won’t like it. You have trained those in your life to expect your over-generosity and they will raise a fuss when you start putting your needs first. Expect more demands or a bigger guilt trip.

If you get drained by these people, you need to start looking at them as ”energy vampires”. With a vampire, you would do certain things to protect yourself. With energy vampires you say no, set limits and put up boundaries to protect your time, energy and emotional needs.

With more self-care, you will start to see that you are betraying yourself by making critical life decisions based purely on what others want. Once you start to take care of yourself, you cannot give in. That causes others to doubt your word. Be honest, direct and resolved to take care of yourself. Don’t over explain, defend yourself, or invite debate about how you feel. The fewer words, the better. Get support from others if you feel you are losing your resolve.

Cheryl Richardson also outlines action steps to take when someone asks you to do something and you aren’t sure you want to do it.

1. Buy some time. Tell them you have to get back to them on your answer. Let them know you might not be able to do it based on another commitment, but you will let them know by a specific time.

2. Do a gut check. Ask yourself how much you really want to do what they are asking. Think about what you need first. Don’t think about their anger or upset. Would satisfying the request bring you happiness, fulfillment or pleasure? Are you doing it to show love or strengthen a connection, or do you feel guilty or obligated?

3. Tell the truth directly with grace and love. When you can craft a caring and respectful response, your courage to take care of yourself will soar. Your “no” can be thoughtful and considerate and leave the other person cared for even though you don’t participate. Be honest about how  you feel. Don’t overexplain yourself. Express regrets if you have them, be direct, be clear.

You can graciously decline requests and you don’t have to explain why. Tell them you are  honored they asked, but you cannot help them and genuinely wish them the best. And being honest about your commitment to your self-care is almost always something people can understand and respect. You cannot measure your success by the response you get. Like my former friend who flipped out when I was sick and couldn’t be there for her, realize they have their own unresolved issues that you are NOT responsible for fixing. Let them go on their way. They have their own life path to pursue and you don’t have to participate. They are capable and they will figure it out for themselves.

After you say no, check in with yourself inside AFTER your anxiety goes away. Do you feel relieved? Do you know in your heart that you made the right decision? Are you pleased with the way you handled it? Are you glad you did it?

If your answers are “yes”, you have done the right thing for everyone.

 

It is utterly important for your well-being to make yourself your own favorite person. In the end, you are all you have. You want your own life flashing in front of your eyes when you take your last breath. It is your life you are living, not someone else’s.

Find things about yourself that you love and nurture them. Look at yourself in the mirror and fall in love with your eyes, your face, your body, your essence, and your faults. Give yourself good things. Take yourself to a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant. If you love and appreciate yourself in that way; TREAT YOURSELF WELL, you be able to distinguish between those who mistreat you, and those you can trust to invite into your inner circle.

How are you feeling today?

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By Emma Michelle, MA, MBA

Remember this little goodie? This refrigerator magnet came out sometime in the late 90s. My daughter and I each had one on the refrigerator with another magnet framing whatever feeling we were having that day. Sometimes the frame switched around a lot depending on what was happening in life. Growing up in a family where I needed to suppress all of my negative feelings, I wanted my daughter to grow up knowing it was normal to have all of them and the goal was to default back to contentment after the feeling had passed.

Now that she is an adult, she seems to have a fuller spectrum of acceptance for her feelings than I still do. I still struggle with the expression of my negative feelings, thinking that they will alienate people and hurt them. Even though I have many years of experience in expressing my full spectrum of feelings, those old tapes come into play and can still put a damper on my day. If I can’t be with my sadness, I try to stuff it down inside. The insidous part of this is like my sadness stepped into a house of 100 mirrors, making one little feeling exaggerate into dozens of misshapen and big feelings. At that point, its overwhelming and it feels like the world is going to end. We become fearful and often explode all over someone, hurting them in the process.

At this point in my life, I usually just cry in my room and get it out of my system, feeling much clearer after the rains fall. Other times, like right now, I use the feeling to write my true authentic feelings to the world. But in the end, for better or worse, they are MY feelings. No one did this to me. I have to own my feelings and nurture them myself in order to diminish their impact on my life.

We don’t often own our feelings as our own feelings. In our mind, that person did something to us, they mistreated us, they ignored us, they didn’t give us what we needed. We become an 18 month old child who, while experiencing their rapprochement phase, comes back to find mother not there. For a child, that feeling is overwhelming and becomes real all over again, and then we project this young fear upon the person right in front of us. We blame them for not being there, when we really need to attend to that 18 month old who somehow didn’t get what she/he needed at some particular time.

It all seems so real. And when the “other” is approached with tears and upset, they are often confounded and wonder if we are crazy. And guys, don’t think this is a only girl thing. If you don’t cry, you often get mad and yell. Unless you are drunk, then you cry. And a lot of you cry at the drop of a hat. I have seen you. I happen to believe that men are more emotional and sentimental than anyone realizes, they just have an impossible time verbalizing it. But that is another post.

So stuffing it inside only works to a certain point, until we wake up one day and realize we are 20 or more pounds overweight because we used food to comfort ourselves or alcohol and drugs to numb ourselves. Or we start having issues like high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, or other unexplained body pains we can’t explain. Then comes the fatal heart attack or stroke. Hopefully we turn it around before its too late and we haven’t done permanent damage to our system.

So what do we do when we are confronted with a strong emotion inside and life starts to feel all wonky?

First, we need to keep in mind that the “other” is NOT responsible for *making* us feel bad. People are usually doing what they do, and are not meaning to be cruel. If we come at them harshly, we are likely the instigator of the issue and will get back what we are putting out. Coming to someone gently at a good time as a friend will often help them to help us.

Some people will go off like wildfire even if they are approached gently. They scream and yell and get all dark and twisty when you ask them a simple question. Those are the ones you need to run from immediately and put out of your life. They are dangerous and you CANNOT fix them.

Second, its helpful to sit with oneself for a moment and locate where inside the feeling is coming from. A feeling can often manifest in the body as a sensation or a pain, and we might not even realize these sensations are our feelings talking to us.

We must take on the adult task of learning to soothe ourselves. True, we cannot wrap our arms around ourselves when we are in deep pain, yet we must deal with our own chronic emotional pain and not expect others to heal us. We are the only ones who can heal us.

Following is my own life example of a time when I had a strong feeling and it manifested as a physical issue: When I started my leadership program at Landmark Education in the mid 90s, I started getting very bad acne around my jaw and neck. It took a friend of mine who was a nurse to point out that it was NOT acne, but hives. She asked me, “What are you NOT saying?”

Upon investigation into her inquiry, I started to realize that I got very hot around my neck when I was required to speak openly and authentically about myself. I also got a huge lump in my throat. And my jaw and neck would get hives that turned into acne. This started when I was in high school and was not allowed to speak openly about how I was feeling nor voice my anger about how I was treated. I still have the scars if you look really close.

It took several more years to realize I felt ASHAMED about a lot of things about me and preferred to keep them inside where no one could judge me. So I put on a facade of a happy face and went along my way. But shutting off that part of me, shut me off to the good feelings too. I was just a walking zombie pretending to be happy and fulfilled. What a crock. And how authentic is THAT? In so admitting this shame to myself, I was able to start doing the work of embracing it and transforming its effect on my life.

So when I was a child and teenager, I was not allowed to express my true feelings. And I was told a lot of false things about my character and how I was supposed to feel and act. Things that are just not possible for any human being to live up to. Upon realizing the damage it was causing me, of course I was angry. How was I going to get it out of my system. Expressing my true feelings NOW to the ones who wouldn’t let me say what I wanted then? Impossible.

In truth, I moved out when I was 18 years old and was my own person. If I was going to get hives whenever I talked, I had to take the responsibility that I internalized their shame and now I was doing this to myself. And even though its NOT FAIR, I need to be the one to parent myself and teach myself how to talk openly and authentically so I could have an open and authentic life. Some of this I learned myself from reading books, going to college, and taking risks in sharing myself.

Other times, I was brought the teachers who were the catalysts to my personal growth. Whether it was the bossy friend who was so rude to me that I yelled at him thus learning the limits of my own anger, or the nutty boyfriend who acted just like my mother thus teaching me how to be straightforward with her, or the job in a night club where I could tell someone who grabbed my butt to “fuck off” thus teaching me how to draw my boundaries, to the genius male friend who enjoyed listening to my smartness thus giving me confidence to speak my ideas, to the loving loyal friend who listened to and cried at my traumatic life stories thus helping me to open my heart and share my love with others; we are all brought the people and situations we need to help us grow into our greater self.

Do we use these situations to help us or hurt us? Do we become better or bitter? I am a firm believer that things happen in life for a reason. We don’t always know the reason, but when we look to what it is teaching us, and becoming mindful of the way we live our life, we become more conscious in how our feelings affect others and how not to let toxic people in our lives. In doing this we are more present to the goodness in life, love, peacefulness, personal power, and true inner fulfillment.

 

(Note: The photos of the little “fur balls” expressing the essence of their feelings are part of the work of L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology. Though I do not subscribe to this philosophy, I first encountered this map when I was 26 years old when I started my own personal growth. I found the expressions of the “fur balls” very helpful when learning to identify my own feelings. It was also clear to me that even though I might not be happy in a specific moment, that raising my feelings to the level or two above the one I was having was very helpful for me in my own emotional enlightenment)

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Michelle Pate is a wellness intuitive/coach who works with people’s mind, body and spirit. She graduated at the top of her class at John F. Kennedy University with a Masters in Holistic Counseling Psychology. She also has an MBA from University of Phoenix.

Michelle specializes in nutrition, holistic exercise and stress reduction to help you be healthy and happy in your life. To schedule an appointment – call Michelle’s office at 408 438 8153 or contact her through email at michellepate99 at yahoo dot com.

Michelle is also a promoter of the Body by Vi challenge and will give you unparalleled support and powerful encouragement for your weight loss, work out, and energetic needs.

 

Sleep deprivation, diet, and other issues

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By Michelle Pate, MA, MBA

I now drink ViSalus NEURO in the morning – it wakes me up better than coffee. It comes in raspberry and lemon flavors. I am one of those people who has a very hard time getting up in the morning. And I usually feel grouchy and somewhat depressed. I often feel like I have been drugged. There is just NO WAY! I remember not even being able to get out of bed to go to HAWAII… Now, that’s when you know something is wrong!

I am naturally one of those night owls whose cortisol levels rise in the evening instead of going down as they are supposed to. And my cortisol levels are super low in the morning when they should be high. So my system is completely backward in that way and its very hard to be a morning lark who simply jumps out of bed in the wee hours of the morning. Morning larks usually don’t understand why I can’t get up. I have been accused of being lazy more times than I can count. The morning lark doesn’t understand that while they were sleeping, I was doing all sorts of projects because that was when I was wide awake.

But I am literally falling asleep when I should be getting up, and my mind is going full speed when I should be going to bed. I have been like this my entire life. My mother (a morning lark) even said I would start to move around when she went to bed at night and keep her up really late. (I guess we had issues before I was even born!)

When I was a kid, I had a very hard time getting out of bed in the morning and was often late to school. I could not fall asleep at night, and often lay in my bed staring at the ceiling until very late. Sometimes I would sneak a flashlight and read an entire book before I fell asleep. When I was 15, I discovered COFFEE. I would get it from the ladies in the cafeteria every morning for 10 cents. They told me to not tell anyone, but I was fine with that because I could actually stay awake in my first period class. 

When I worked a regular 9 to 5, I painfully pulled myself out of bed at 7, took a hot shower and drank two cups of coffee to get myself going. I drank coffee mid morning, diet coke at lunch, and coffee at 3pm. By the time I got home at 6pm, I was wide awake and bustling around the house, doing homework with my daughter, cooking dinner, and doing activities. I was wide awake at 1am and could not fall asleep. It wasn’t residual with the coffee, it was simply the way my body was wired.

Psychology Today Article: Why Night Owls are More Intelligent than Morning Larks

Cortisol levels have their natural pattern – and its really tough to change an inherent natural sleep cycles. I have even taken Wellbutrin to wake up in the morning – it increases the brain’s norepinephrine neurotransmitter activity, so you have more get up and go. But I felt ridiculous taking an antidepressant when I was not depressed. But it helped, so I did it. When you are paying 100 bucks per class for your own graduate education, you do what you can do to stay awake. But I instinctively knew that even though my brain was being artificially induced to stay focused, it was not a good thing. My instincts were correct several years later when my adrenal glands were shot because I never did get the proper sleep or nutrition that my body needed.

The mind is a powerful thing. It is the most evolved part of us, but it can fool us into not taking care of ourselves. And when it starts to wig out, we medicate it to keep it going. Some people actually NEED to do this because their system is so out of whack (I am NOT anti-pharmaceutical), but when we give it a pill and it needs nutrition and sleep… That is where we are going wrong.

I also tried several sleep meds to get to sleep at night, even prescription, but my doctor was hesitant because stuff like Ambien and Sonata can be addictive. So I found the one that worked the best for me was Nyquil. It makes me drowsy a half hour after taking it. Last year, I discovered that the ingredient that made me sleepy was Doxylamine Succinate, so I switched to Unisom. Everyone is different in this regard. Like I said, I hate having to take them, but I hate even more the feeling of sleep deprivation that extreme fatigue and all over body pain from not being able to sleep.

When my daughter was older, I compensated for my issue by working swing shift and going to school in the evenings. And it worked just great for me because evenings were my happy time. I made a lot of money planning parties and hosting events, and got two masters degrees. During this time, I really enjoyed the cool mornings between midnight and 4am. Everything was so quiet, and with the cosmic air being asleep, I could really focus on what I was doing. It was comforting. But I hated the fact that I couldn’t fall asleep until the sky started getting light, and couldn’t wake up until at least 2pm. But I felt like I was out of sync with the rest of the world. I actually DO love the morning time. I have tried for years to fix it, but its nearly impossible.

In my hunt to solve this issue, I started reading more about sleep cycles and why it is so important for our bodies to sleep at night. What I learned was our body’s organs repair themselves at certain times of night, and they can only do that if we are asleep! So if the liver repairs itself normally at midnight, and I am still awake, I am not getting rejuvenation of the liver. Since I am completely committed to staying healthy as I get older, this made me more determined to fix it. Being a holistic girl, I hated being on any kind of medication, but like I said – do what you have to do in order to function. You can always figure it out and try different things – but you have to function!

So I’ve been really committed to my ViSalus 90 day challenge. And I doubt I will even work out unless I completely feel like it. For me, this is about NUTRITION, HAVING ENERGY, and FEELING GOOD PHYSICALLY. I have had my fair share of fatigue issues, so I’m going to relax with it, let myself FEEL GOOD, and see what dreams may be fulfilled by this approach.

I drank the NEURO yesterday morning and set my stopwatch for when it would kick in. I felt completely awake 12 minutes later. And it lasted until my own body woke up later in the day. That’s pretty amazing. Coffee doesn’t even do that, and I get a jittery feeling.

I feel good and feel awake – I can focus and communicate. I’m not tired at all. Anywhere. Just this product alone is amazing. It’s even better than 5 hour energy. Its so good for the brain. I hear stories about Neuro helping people’s migraines and seizures go away. Of course, that is anecdotal evidence, but its still happening! There is a reason those things are happening to people. Consider that a lot of it is nutritional. If you get the proper nutrition (impossible with our current food supply),  you will feel good. End of story.

Do you know how to tell if something is good for your system or not? Eat something and listen to your digestive system. So many of us do not do that. We eat crap and then take a Rolaids to make it digest. Or we take pain killers just so we don’t have to listen to our tummy grumble and complain about what is going through it. Or we take a Gas-X to eliminate the gas from products we should not be putting into our bodies.

I know this issue intimately. I have had to be on a very strict anti-inflammatory diet because my insides were all torn up over wheat gluten. It takes a while to heal after you stop eating the things that don’t like your body. A lot of people want to eliminate everything, add in vegetables and lean meats, and then beat themselves up because they can’t do it more than a few days. I say – just cut out the wheat and flour products! That is the biggest culprit in most of our diets! You can still have a very full life if you don’t eat gluten. Heck, I even eat pumpkin pie without the crust!

For several months I could only eat meats, vegetables, and olive oil. I was forced to, because my body would feel like it hit a bus if I didn’t. And it was very hard. But now I can eat a lot more things – and even more now that I have Body by Vi. You can bake with the shake mix. I am looking forward to making gluten free pancakes with strawberries on top. YUM.

This morning, I couldn’t decide between my morning coffee and a Vi Shake with blueberry juice. So I simply mixed in the shake mix wth my coffee. I didn’t know I could use it for creamer too! It was an amazingly sweet cup of creamy coffee. I’m still amazed.

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Michelle Pate is a wellness intuitive/coach who works with people’s mind, body and spirit. She graduated at the top of her class at John F. Kennedy University with a Masters in Holistic Counseling Psychology. She also has an MBA from University of Phoenix.

Michelle specializes in nutrition, holistic exercise and stress reduction to help you be healthy and happy in your life. To schedule an appointment – call Michelle’s office at 408 438 8153 or contact her through email at michellepate99 at yahoo dot com.

Michelle is also a promoter of the Body by Vi challenge and will give you unparalleled support and powerful encouragement for your weight loss, work out, and energetic needs.

Women’s Group Update

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The Empowered Feminine has been such a blessing to me. I have met many very interesting women over the last six months. Recently, the meeting seems to have morphed into a way to share resources to help us all empower ourselves out of the feeling of being “stuck” and how to “get unstuck”.

We recently met and came up with some awesome resources that I’d like to share with everyone.

1. Morning pages – The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. All of us had done journaling at one time or another. Julia introduces her students to Morning Pages, which isn’t typical journaling, more like a purging. The student writes three pages every morning of whatever comes to mind. One is not supposed to censor what comes out on the page but write whatever wants to come out. She says that often what comes out is some very ugly unconscious thoughts, but the point is to get them out of your head! What happens is over time those ugly thoughts are out of the head, and new thoughts start taking over life in a very miraculous way.

I wrote Morning Pages for about three months – and was so interested in the depth of the uncomplementary things I was saying – mostly about myself! Julia recommends burning your pages and never looking at them again. Its not typical journaling, just downloading garbage that stops us from pursuing what we truly want in life.

I kind lost in some of Julia’s exercises – such as my favorite things when I was young, or what I wanted to be when I was a child. Who I was as a child and who I am now are so different. Back then I was a child of the 1970s who thought that an engineer drove a train, and an architect would be fun because I could build cool houses like the Brady Bunch lived in. I wanted to be a dentist because I could help people, but most of all I wanted to be a Mouseketeer. Being on TV seemed like the most fabulous job to have – ever! I still hold a little bit of that dream, but have no idea how to make that one happen… lol

2. Movement – such as yoga – some of us were yoga teacher or took yoga classes regularly. A lot of us LOVED Zumba dance. One fine woman taught belly dancing. And another woman said she felt good when she was simply in action about ANYTHING! She got a sense of accomplishment and direction from doing something she had never done before. How are we going to know we like a new thing unless we try it?

As you all know, I absolutely LOVE Bikram yoga and have been doing it diligently for the last eight months. The practice has healed my body in many amazing ways. I also practice Yin Yoga and Vinyasa Flow as well when I am not in the studio. I took Zumba over the course of three months and shaped up very quickly. I recommend Zumba to any woman who wants to fit back into her skinny jeans! Someday I hope to take a belly dancing class – and I have taken the suggestion to simply be in action. It sure helps, even if its just a small project. For me, to get online and update my blog, that is an action…

3. Dance Church - most hippy downtowns have Dance Church on Sunday mornings, but the movement is spreading because so many people LOVE to move! Google “Concious Dance” and see what is happening in your area or create your own Dance Church. Its a space where people can move, dance and be free without any judgments from others.

4. StrengthsFinder by Tom Rath. This book has a test that you can take which will tell you your top five strengths. I think everyone should know what they are good at – because its often invisible to us when we are really good at something – we think its just easy for everyone and don’t realize this strength is something that can contribute greatly to others plus make us an income. Other great tests to take are DiSC and Meyers-Briggs/Jungian typology.

I took a test on assessment.com a few years back which outlined what I would be very good at in a career. My top three were counseling, interior design and fashion design. Apparently I am good at shapes, colors and textures. But I chose counseling because I really wanted to help people build and shape their dreams. I guess that is building an inner world to then reflect an outer world?

Anyway – our meeting was awesome and I was very happy to meet new Empowered Women – and proud of these fabulous women for teaching us all so much about “Getting Unstuck”

I started a women’s group!

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I decided to start a women’s group because I believe that a group of mature, open-hearted, loving, caring, deep and spiritual women can do miracles in life if we got together on a regular basis to talk about life and what matters underneath the surface. This group meets in Santa Cruz, CA. More information will be provided if you contact me through this website.

 

The Purpose of The Group – Women Empowering Women

How often do we ask: Who Am I? Underneath my title as mother, wife, daughter, student, employee, entrepreneur, etc. Who Am I? Underneath the goals. responsibilities, and day-to-day activities of life: Who Am I? When I slow down, breathe and try to determine where I am going in life (which we never do, right?), WHO AM I?

We are often flying so fast through life that we have little time to slow down, breathe, empty the mind and listen to the heart and belly, and listen to self as a unique and creative spirit moving through life.

The space of The Empowered Feminine is meant to let us slow down and take time to simply be a woman among women. This space is designed to be a safe, welcoming, nurturing retreat from regular life for a couple of hours a week, to rest and interact about what matters to us most as women. This space is meant to be open, encouraging and empowering, to build each other up and support each other in our challenges and goals.

Women need safe connections with other women in life. We often get so busy that we don’t take time to meet people and develop true connections. Many women long for deeper and more empathic connections with others, but we don’t know where to find it. Here is where you find it. I long to give this encouragement to women and believe it is deeply needed in our community.

Why should I join?

You should join this group if you want a real, authentic, nurturing space to develop true connections with other women. All I ask is you bring your heart and a caring attitude – this kind of environment promotes healing energy in a world that is deeply hurting.

So many beautiful and wonderful women are isolated and in pain, and need to know that others care. We need to be there with others so we can witness each other’s pain, lend wise counsel, and build each other up and heal. This space is safe, giving, encouraging and nurturing. If this is the kind of person you are and you feel you just need to be listened to in an empowered fashion, if you know your gifts need an outlet if you could just speak them powerfully, this is the space for you.

Inquiry into Life

We can focus on any issues that we have about being a woman in this day and age. Topics include but are not limited to:

  • How have we changed from our mother’s and grandmother’s generations?
  • What challenges have we have in life and what challenges are we currently facing?
  • What inspires us and what do we have passion for in life?
  • What are the obstacles in our career direction and what about it satisfies us?
  • What would we love to do with life that we haven’t done already?
  • Do we have a business we would love to develop but don’t know how?
  • How have our relationships with men changed through the years?
  • How do we balance being an individual with having a relationship?
  • How have we overcome trauma, heartache, and impossible situations in life?
  • What is our relationship to our bodies, to food, to exercise, to work and to our futures?
  • How can we live our lives fully and be inspired and passionate?

By talking with other women about these subjects below the surface, we start to be in touch with vitality and the essence of life. When we have celebrations in life or overcome obstacles we need to share with safe women so we can have others witness the ups and downs in life.

Others also need to hear our stories so they can learn the wisdom that is gained by living. We need each other to keep us on track and true to our own inner wisdom and self-respect. These nuggets of insight and knowledge are held as sacred when shared between women who know and trust each other.

This is the vision of The Empowered Feminine.

We all encounter real life issues that are often so intimidating and confusing, we push them aside and simply power our way through life. We often suffer in silence and doubt ourselves. Life’s issues sit underneath the surface and nag at us in the form of anxiety, depression and a host of body maladies that we worry about; instead of being free, energetic, creative and fulfilling on our life’s purpose.

The Empowered Feminine is part support and counseling, part encouragement space, and part learning environment for women who enjoy personal growth and who want to be they can be and learn to effectively bring out the best in others. This is not a therapy group, but you will definitely feel uplifted and ready to take on the world!

Life is too short to not be truly living!

Women Encouraging Women

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Women EncouragingWhen did women become so competitive? It must have been when all the moms went to work in the 1980s, because I remember my grandmother having so many friends. Nowadays, we women compete over whose man makes more money, whose job is more powerful, whose kids are smarter, who is prettier, who is thinner, who has the latest brand name wardrobe… The list goes on and on.

The problem is that in becoming so competitive with other women, we have lost the ability to trust and be intimate friends with each other. The need to be competitive comes from a feeling that we really aren’t enough, that we don’t measure up. So we act perfect and brag about things we have so we can fill that rotten feeling inside, but in the process, we are alienating others who try to get close to us.

We need to step beyond this competitive spirit and open our hearts to each other again and just listen. So many of us have lost the ability to just be attractive and rest in our sweet feminine spirit. We try to be perfect, but we have forgotten that the road to intimate friendship is being authentic about what is REALLY going on in our lives. We bond over the difficulties, pains and absurdity of life, and encourage each other to KEEP GOING!

So many women in the world are lonely for female friendship. We wonder where all our girlfriends have gone. We are missing a lot in not having women in our lives who we can truly trust and who can hear our heart. So many of us traveled through the 80s and 90s where being independent and strong was fashionable and necessary to get ahead. We are holding old “values” that just don’t work anymore.

We have made our significant other our honorary girlfriend. We go to our husbands and boyfriends with the things that only our girlfriends can identify with. Then we get mad at our significant other for not giving us the girl time we crave. Cultivating our female friendships frees our man up to do what he does best, which is BE A MAN. When we get emotional needs met by girlfriends, it frees us up from needing that from our man – therefore, enriching the time we spend with him – listening to him, getting to know who he is without our needs getting in the way. The result is truly fascinating.

Today – I encourage each women to drop a line to a female you know and tell her something you admire about her. It will strengthen your bond and make both of your day. Chances are that no one has told her something positive about her character in a long time. Its time to take some lessons from grandmother in quality female friendship.

Life becomes truly enchanting and beautiful when you walk with warmth and dance in your heart. Giving care to others is a step in the right direction.